I am am missing my frantic mornings of sweating to chemical brothers as I endure and push myself to my physical limits. To engage with my colleagues in exploring new and revolutionary ways of devising and thinking  while we explore frantic building blocks, which have been utilised so effectively within all frantic productions. These having been born of a need to find a way to invest more deeply with in the story, to use imagery and movement that tells a tale using more than just the dialogue. And something I connect with totally and having spent these two weeks working with Scott (Graham),Simon (Pitman) and Neil (Bettles) I feel that I understand and can explore these concepts even further.

Looking  back over the fortnight, so much has been achieved. It was interesting reading the letter that we wrote to ourselves at the beginning of the first week. I was reading a letter from someone that had belief in me, and hopes and aspirations for me. I hadn’t remembered what I had written until seeing it again and thinking that this person can see what I need to do. Yet I don’t think I believed it when I wrote it, if I even wrote it with any conviction or were they just words that I needed to hear. And yes I certainly did. Seeing them and reading them again made them real. A concrete statement in crumbling conscience that is splintered with doubt.I wonder why sometimes it feels so hard to admit what makes me tick. It harks back to what Simon spoke about early in the first week about needing permission to call yourself an artist.

I have made so many more observations about my self since beginning the course. I am really chuffed at the way I can handle the physicality of the warmup and can be part of that team, the way I will have a go despite what ever doubts that may be going through my head.

It reminds me of when, in some of my most challenging days and emotional periods of my life I have used my fitness classes and yoga exercises as a way to free my mind. For when I was working hard physically I was able to find a restbite from the din that preoccupied my brain. The exertion gave a quietness and stillness to my thoughts as while I was busy keeping time or balancing on one leg,my thoughts couldn’t go elsewhere. It strikes a chord with me that this has come full circle and I can see how this can work in a dramatic way, regarding the brain and how it is able to see connections between characters and their untold story by creating the movement and situations first. How busy it gets inside my head when watching material that has been put together from a simple string of movements with no narrative and then can be coaxed and cajoled into revealing something that no one could have predicted and so it begins to find A life of it’s own.

A notable observation I have made this week is I feel fitter and better equipped when doing back to back classes at school and leading practical and energetic warmups. That I can engage my classes in the high energy, focused physicality is very important to promote key aspects of team work within the rehearsal room. It has also made me look at how the students approach the lesson and the way they engage with each other in the room. The class dynamic of each group varies so much and I can see that by promoting the sense that the warmup is a huge part of the collaboration in the room they can really start to build trusting relationships and the mind set of a student that is willing to have a go and be supportive of all those they work with….

I’m now starting to build on these thoughts and see what areas these two weeks have highlighted for me.

Certain outcomes I want to have gained and what has been revealed to me is that I need to admit to making mistakes, that it’s not always about being right, or having the right idea. I also need to focus on myself and developing my knowledge, see and do more, practise practise practise and prepare prepare prepare. Lose the lazy habits that have crept in and made me complacent…. I’m sure my list will get longer as I try to weave these ideas into what I want to do and how I want to do it and wondering all the while can I do it?

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